Nanny Agency JobsWhen two parents give you different instructions, turn the disagreement into a specific work question: what should happen, who can confirm it and which instruction applies now? You do not need to settle the parents' relationship to obtain a usable care brief. You do need an answer that lets you carry out your responsibilities safely and consistently.
The process below is an original NAJ communication tool for ordinary work-plan conflicts. It does not determine parental authority or interpret custody arrangements. If authority itself is disputed, raise that through the established responsible contact instead of deciding whose message takes priority.
Identify the exact collision
Describe the two instructions without attaching motives. “Monday's plan says attend the class; today's message says stay home” is clearer than “You never agree.” Check whether they concern the same date, child and situation. One parent may be describing tomorrow while the other is changing today.
Look at the current written brief and the actual messages. Record the version or date, not a reconstruction from memory. A later message may contain a proposed change rather than a confirmed replacement. Ask whether it supersedes the earlier instruction instead of assuming that the last person to speak controls the plan.
Keep children out of the exchange between adults. A child's account may explain why a question arose, but do not ask them to choose the instruction or carry a complaint between parents.
Use the agreed decision contact
Find the person or communication route designated for work-plan decisions. If both parents normally confirm changes together, use that agreed shared channel. If one contact coordinates a particular task, ask that contact to resolve the discrepancy within their agreed role. This is a working arrangement, not a conclusion about either parent's legal priority.
If no process exists, ask for one: “When I receive different instructions for the same task, who will confirm the plan I should follow?” Request a fallback contact for time-sensitive questions and a way to record the answer where the relevant adults can find it.
Separate an optional activity from an urgent safety issue. You can ask to postpone an optional booking while its instructions are clarified. An immediate safety concern requires the established emergency procedure and appropriate urgent help; do not wait indefinitely for parents to agree before responding to an emergency.
Make a one-decision worksheet
Use this short original worksheet for the disputed task, rather than compiling a history of family disagreements:
- Decision needed: The action that cannot follow both instructions.
- Current brief: The dated instruction already recorded.
- New message: The exact practical change requested and its sender.
- Timing: When the decision affects care or a commitment.
- Confirmation route: The authorized work contact and fallback.
- Interim plan: What has actually been confirmed while the question remains open.
- Final answer: The confirmed action, dates and person confirming it.
An unanswered question is not an interim plan. If the deadline approaches, explain that fact through the agreed urgent contact route. Avoid silently choosing an option merely because it requires less travel or feels easier to explain later.
Test the answer against a practical scenario
Fictional example: Jordan's current brief includes a Thursday library visit. One parent asks Jordan to keep Thursday free for a delivery; another says the library plan still stands. Jordan checks that both messages concern the same Thursday and sends this original clarification through the agreed shared work thread:
“The current plan has the library visit at 10 a.m. Thursday. I have also received a request to remain home for the delivery that morning. Please confirm whether I should attend the library or stay home, and who is receiving the delivery if we go. I need the answer before our planned departure.”
The parents confirm that another adult will receive the delivery and the library visit remains on. Jordan repeats the practical result and updates the day's note. Jordan does not record which parent “won” or add an interpretation of why the messages differed.
If the reply had simply been “use your judgment,” Jordan would still need to establish which commitment may change and whether arranging delivery cover falls within the role.
Close the discrepancy and prevent a repeat
Keep one current instruction visible. Mark the earlier plan as replaced where appropriate, without deleting relevant work correspondence or rewriting what was originally said. State whether the answer applies only today or changes the ongoing routine.
If conflicts recur, bring two concise examples to a work discussion and ask for a simpler confirmation process. The useful request is “Can changes to outings be confirmed in this thread before departure?” rather than a request to take sides. For household availability and handovers, use the separate working-from-home guide.
Sources
The International Nanny Association's Recommended Practices for Nannies recommends performing agreed duties and communicating openly with families. The discrepancy worksheet, scenario and message here are original NAJ tools; the source does not establish a hierarchy between parents.